The Perfect Match - Part 1* : 80 second read by Farriz Mashudi 30/06/2020
You’re familiar with the Jack Spratt story, of course. — His wife could eat no lean? Well, that was before she went on ‘The Biggest Loser’, and did a PhD in Nutrition.
Jack Frost, on the other hand, he’s a widower. But his spouse didn’t just die on him; she’s gone and left us all in the lurch. We needed her as much as he did. Ask anyone in Oymyakon: The Siberian icebox and coldest place inhabited year-round is where the Snow Queen and old Jack based themselves after they were married.
South of the North Pole, and as sad as Mr. Putin said he was for Arctic bears, the couple were never left wanting for furs there. But her health, thriving as she did on icy thrills, took a turn for the worse with Oymyakon’s increasingly high temperatures.
Can’t say she put up a struggle though, or received much community care, for that matter. The folks accepted her passing and the changes they brought, as inevitable.
“Just life,” they said. Except this was about dying.
But coming back to our Mr. Frost, weak man that he is, Jack’s hellbent on remarrying. Fancies himself a spring chicken; or maybe it’s another one of those mid-life crises?
This is our business only because whomsoever Jack Frost chooses for a new partner could mean a myriad of things.
None of them good.
Unless, for starters like the Snow Queen, she’s also big on frozen dinners, is partial to the odd cold shoulder, and has the ability to send shivers down Jack Frost’s spine while getting under his skin. — If you get my drift?
That La Niña woman, El Niño’s sister. — You know them, the hot-headed Latino twins? She seems to have his eye on our Jack… Blowing him warm kisses all the way from the equator. This isn’t the time for that type of fiery woman in his life. What our Jack needs is #1. A cold-hearted woman who’ll warm only his bed, not the whole world while they’re at it; and #2. To listen to reason.
And he could take a lead from another Jack, be a bit more ‘nimble and quick’ about it, without, mind you, involving any candlesticks, or tumbling Jills.
Could we pretend for a minute that Snow White was for real? What about Elsa, of ‘Frozen’ fame, she’s a princess, too. He seems to have a thing for royalty, even if that would entail dealing with Disney… What about Skadi?– Divorced still, how convenient! She’s only Scandinavia’s ‘Ms. Winter’. Would be quite the catch for him, and she’s looking apparently.
If this works, it could be the wedding of the century.
Must arrange a meeting. Good there’re no cruise ships about. Once we get them together, with a little luck, we might even see some good old-fashioned deep freeze, or better still, things could get stormy.
* Stay posted for Part 2: A Climatic Misadventure
What happens in Oymyakon, doesn’t stay in Oymyakon: The far-reaching effects