The Mole Who Hates Me : 80 second read by Farriz Mashudi 04/08/2020
Be gone, you four-legged James Bond!
“Berambus,” as we say in Malay. Scram, off with you. Your head and all, just don’t be here. Adios, Sayonara, vamoose.
Popping up in this bed and then another, moving mountains blown up like Beirut, you can hide, but you can’t run. Can’t keep yourself secret, your identity is known. Maybe you enjoy this ‘cat-and-mouse’? Maybe you want to be caught?
Tormenting me by the bucket loads, with your freshly turned-up hills, your mounds of earthworks, doubling back in triple crossed lines, you’ve done it again . . . Gone and beaten the living daylights out of the orderly gravel.
Be warned, Monsieur Mole: I’m watching you.
As an underground agent, your other victims, the worms are in agreement: You’re the best. . . of the worst kind. The only ‘drop’ we want to see in this here garden, is you dead. Capiche?
Moles, spies, international thugs, gangsters, you’re all the same. Only diplomatic in different degrees.
I can’t stomach this espionage business. Entrapment is so messy. As I’m also rather squeamish (blood just isn’t my thing), we’re not talking bullet holes. Not even target practise.
So, Mole, spare us the commando tactics, the landscape’s been tortured enough. You’re nothing like the dear we know from The Wind in The Willows. Could you just make like thin air, and vanish? You know, be gone with the wind?
And I’d recommend a new identity. Be a badger if you like? Or a hedgehog? Jason Bourne? — Tell me, who doesn’t like him.
But not ‘Killing Eve’. Villainous Villanelle is plain psycho. You, on the other hand, ‘fess up. — You know exactly what you’re doing.
Seriously, we need a détente. Now.
All this digging around, tunnelling and hacking away at night — your nocturnal proclivities must end. So, could you kindly make your escape, pronto. Please, spasiba — in English, Russian, gibberish, or any other lingo you understand.
And no coming back. The local MI5 (a.k.a. the husband) is a regular sniper and shoots to kill (or fancies he can, on his phone games, at least. You don’t want to mess with him).
Roger that, 007?
For more on this wiliest of adversaries: “Don’t Kill Moles” By a former exterminator.