The Grumpy Naturalist

Mole Royale : 75 second read by Farriz Mashudi 16/08/2020

It’s me now Mole, who’s on Her Majesty’s secret service. Wasn’t easy to see her, but we did manage an audience in the end.

The White Rabbit was sympathetic to my plight and has a message for you:

“Burrow elsewhere. Life’s too short.”

The Mad Hatter was out to Lunch when I arrived, but when he heard, he, too sympathised. You and I, we’re not a good fit, he felt. But we must all mind our manners. Be hypocrite to a ‘T’.

Painfully practical, he recommends a most unsavoury un-birthday. 

“Sub-contract it,” he said. WINK-WINK.

I showed the soldiers the polka-dot method (which you’ve clearly perfected, Mole, with soil).

‘Tudor’-ing the roses, painting them red isn’t as simple as first throught.

The Spades weren’t much impressed to see the red emulsion not sticking.

“Bolder strokes, Madam, that’s what you need . . . And greater determination.”

As if that weren’t direct enough, the Queen’s decree was nothing if not decisive:


So now I’m ‘M’ and you’re ‘U’ — which means you need to make a U-turn, and fast. My top agent’s been taken off the highest-levels of desk-top duty on Battlefield, Call Of Duty, World Of Tanks and Hell Let Loose. He doesn’t like fieldwork, and just wants to get back to gaming, except not in a casino, ‘Royale’ or otherwise. A mercenary in a hurry. To be let loose to do his worst . . .

The mountain this morning.
Mole attack: 14/08/2020

(Failing which, Mole, the husband will have to come off PUBG – Players Unknown Battleground. It won’t be, “WINNER, WINNER, CHICKEN DINNER!” he’ll be playing for. Instead, it’ll be Mole Royale. — Which will be served nothing like at Burger King. The crumbs will be fresh, but won’t be of bread, and it’ll be you that’s stuffed, and not the cream that’s sour when your head’s served on a platter to ‘Q’. . . with horseradish, mint or cranberry on the side, or just buried under a mound of mash drowned in gravy? Or would you prefer hot soup?) Whichever way we slice this Mole — You’re going down! 

A recipe for Chicken Royale.


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