The Grumpy Naturalist

Molebusters : 50 second read by Farriz Mashudi 18/08/2020

Read a bad script recently? For ‘a B’ grade, or ‘C’ movie with a definite ‘F’ rating. –

MOLEBUSTERS

SCENE 1

EXTERIOR, BELOW GROUND – WHITE GARDEN TUNNELS – DAY –

MOLE (3-year-old).  Intelligent.  Self-centred. Vicious. Prone to making a mess. Obsessed with bird-baths.

Tunnelling beneath one, inches below the surface, the soil is boggy and soft, gentle on his hard-worn paws. Sharp talons on the end of six fingers help to dig through rough, dry patches, but nothing beats the luxuriousness – the spa-like sensation, of nesting under a bird-bath. He puts his feet up, his days are a blur. He needs his 4-hourly shut-eye (as blind as he is). He’ll take a bullet for no one.

SCENE 2

EXTERIOR, ABOVE GROUND – WHITE GARDEN GRAVEL PATHS – DAY – CONTINUOUS

THE GRUMPY NATURALIST (early 50s). Likes to think she’s hard-nosed and practical. Aspires to be easy going despite OCD tendencies. Fights the urge for artistic perfection. Nature loving. Garden proud. Not always certain she knows what she’s doing. Ploughs on regardless. Positive outcomes not guaranteed. Not averse to getting help. So shoot her.

Greets JIM with relief.

JIM THE FERRET (mid-70s). Grey-haired, hulking presence. Giant wellies. Uber passionate pest-controller from the age of 5. Mission: KIA (Kill in Action), kindly, IF POSSIBLE.

After gassing the trenches, his mouth creases into a Clint Eastwood straight line. But he’s no cowboy. The Terminator in JIM turns his head and casts a look towards the bird-bath. He squints (still Clint, after all) – and booms: I’LL BE BACK . . .


TO BE CONTINUED . . . Will it be a happy ending? And for whom?

Bad films don’t necessarily lack research Live Science on Extra Mole Digits: 5 or 6?


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